Miserable Mondays Presents.... Your Weekly WHORE-O-SCOPES

Here we go again! It’s me you’re ultra-mystic unfortunate caregiver Mr. Crystalballs. I am here once again to give your troubled forecast for the week. Without further adieu, grant me your ADD attention and we shall begin.....

Aries:

Private Life: Everyone knows you do not wash your hands after bathroom breaks. Do not take the refusal of handshakes too hard.

Money and Work: You are the idiot that took the Colts in the Superbowl thinking it was a safe bet. Next 3 pay checks are down the shitter.

State of Mind: D’oh!

Karma Number: 3 (total number of times you will hit up friends and family for money....successfully)

Finances: Gambling is a problem. Get some help.

Taurus:

Private Life: 4 words: De-o-dor-ant

Money and Work: Remember that chain letter you sent out last week....it had a virus. The IT department will trace it back to you. Want ads will be your friend.

State of Mind: I hope they don’t notice me.....

Karma Number: 50 (number of dollars you will lose at a party this week.

Finances: Coming up $50 short on your rent will not be a good look.

Cancer:

Private Life: You know that old saying, “I was laughing with you not at you.” Well it does not apply to you this week. They are laughing at you.

Money and Work: You’re lucky this week. You will only receive probation for taking McDonald’s home without paying for it.

State of Mind: Not again.

Karma Number: 1 (number of days it will take for you to screw up that probation)

Finances: Get ready to crack that piggy bank......it may not be worth it because it will cost more to replace the piggy bank.


Leo:

Private Life: They are many opportunities for your love life this week. (see Money and Work)

Money and Work: A promotion is in your future. How bad do you want it? (See Private Life)

State of Mind: I hope this washes out of my jacket.

Karma Number: 17 (number of times you will regret the one on one with your boss)

Finances: Well...you did get the raise.

Virgo:

Private Life: They know it’s you in the bushes.....though stalking is a very sincere form of love and a serious offense.

Money and Work: Lunches are 30 minutes not an hour. You’ve been warned.

State of Mind: They will never fire me. (not a good state of mind because you’re really not that important.)

Karma Number: 30 (number of minutes you will go over your lunch which will ultimately lead to an untimely dismissal from work.)

Finances: None existent.

Libra:

Private Life: Don’t hang your head about it. We all have to fart at one time or another......your time just happens to be the wrong time.

Money and Work: This is going to be a good week. You will finally get that money that is owed to you by a family member.

State of Mind: I need to check for stains.

Karma Number: 23 (number of people around you when you release your toxic gasses)

Finances: That extra money will come in handy. The other family member you owe will be asking for their money.

Scorpio:

Private Life: Depression is never good. There are people who are worse off.....not that many people though.

Money and Work: Work is steady and your boss is actually impressed with your work. You never mess up the coffee run.

State of Mind: Noose or bullet?

Karma Number: 13 (number of times bums will hit you up for money this week)

Finances: It’s either give the bum money or you eat lunch. There is no wiggle room.

Sagittarius:

Private Life: Go ahead and take that trip. You deserve it. (See Finances)

Money and Work: You know that one person nobody likes at work....guess who it is!

State of Mind: Huh?

Karma Number: 4 (number of times you will be asked by a co-worker to go into the parking lot.)

Finances: You finally have enough to take in Alaska!

Capricorn:

Private Life: Live life to the fullest!

Money and Work: As one of the unemployed you have lots of time.

State of Mind: Where is my unemployment check?

Karma Number: 3 (number of days it will take for you to realize your check is late.)

Finances: Minimal

Aquarius:

Private Life: Hell in a hand basket!

Money and Work: They have cameras around the money when you are counting. Keep that in mind.

State of Mind: I have come up with the perfect crime.

Karma Number: 1 (number of times you will try to take money out of the cash till before you are caught)

Finances: You will actually have to forfeit your next pay check in order to keep your job.

Pisces:

Private Life: This will be a good week. You picked the Saints to win the Superbowl and your boss now owes you money.

Money and Work: Your boss is the king of excuses (see Finances)

State of Mind: Today was a good day.....

Karma Number: 32 (number of times your boss will avoid you before you get the hint.)

Finances: Your boss is not coming up off of that owed money.

Fucken Friday's featured HIGHku

by: Mari Juana

My sweet Mary Jane
Her body presses against my lips
Her red head ablaze

I give in to her
Sucking on her paper skin
I forget my self

Fucken Friday's featured Product Review

Product Review by: Mari Juana



Herb Grinder $55

Features:
Electronic
High Speed
Tuck Away Cord
Creative “go green” packaging

My Say:
Piece of crap
Destroyed my weed!!





Coffee Grinder $9.99

Features:
Electronic
High Speed
Tuck Away Cord
Inconspicuous kitchen presence

My Say:
Joy to behold
Crushes my weed to perfection
AND the crystals that develop are an added bonus
A must buy!!

Wicked Wednesdays presents BLACK (& a lil white!) HISTORY

It’s Black History Month, but here at themeantwist.blogspot.com we don’t give a FUCK about that! What the fuck is one month out of 12 anyway? So, we have decided that Black History deserves its own day, every week! Every Wicked Wednesday, we will offer you a bit of black history that you may , or may not, have already known. Of course tho, we’ll lighten it up and even throw a bone to our non-black (aka white) audience every now and then.

For our first edition of Wicked Wednesday, we’d like to highlight a few (of the many, countless) inventions by black folks that have literally, changed the world and that we still benefit from today.

If you will, I’d like you first to follow me to the kitchen (which happens to be one of my favorite rooms!) Please..make yourself comfortable, as I know you will, and look around.



As it has it…. Alot of the key elements of the kitchen, were in fact invented by a black person.

The stove , (also referred to some sources as a range) was invented by T.A. Carrington and patented on July 25, 1876. In an effort to further educate our readers on this inventor, I engaged in what turned out to be a fruitless internet-search that lasted several hours. I was unable to learn much more about this man , as apparently, there were very few records on him, other than his invention. This does not take away from the importance nor the relevance of his contribution to our history , and more importantly- our kitchen. For that.. THANK YOU T.A. CARRINGTON.

If you step away from the stove for a moment, you will also notice that tall standing box with a door against that wall.

Most people call this a fridge (short for Refrigerator, of course).. which has provided us with the invaluable capability to keep our foods fresh and our beers (or beverage of choice) cold. Although, contrary to popular belief, John Standard did not invent the first refrigerator, he did however patent vast improvements to its predecessors by using a manually-filled ice chamber for chilling the contents of the appliance in 1891 (June 14th to be exact). In 1889, Mr. Standard also patented an improved design of the oil stove.

Also, notable, is the invention of the Clothing Dryer.. which even a stupid asshole, can comprehend how helpful that has been. Although the original inventor of the clothing dryer has not been definitively identified, a brotha by the name of G.T. Sampson was the first American to get a patent on a clothes dryer (June 7, 1892). George (yes.. I was able to find what the ‘G’ stood for) patented a vast improvement to prior models of hand-cranked tumble driers, for an improved rack that held clothing nearer to the heat source. And as we all know, to be the first American to do (almost) anything, is well-worth a notation.

And with that, I hope you will walk away a bit enlightened (even if its only a little tiny bit) as these are names that should ring familiarity and be recognized amongst our community , whether it is February or July.

Oh yes.. and on (or FOR, so-to-speak) the lighter side.. white people invent stuff too!.. See this guy???



Yea.. he invented the Snuggie. He wasn’t cool enough to give it that name tho.. he called it a Slanket. Whatever. White people love those damn things..



..Guess they never heard of a bathrobe before.(I know, I know... the picture wasn’t necessary, but I thought it was funny and I like to laugh at white people. You know it's fun for you too)

Anyway.. thats it for this Wicked Wednesday. Come back next week for more insightful Black (& a lil' white) History..

Tacky Tuesdays presents... Tips for Tacky Tippers

In honor of our first edition of Tacky Tuesdays here at themeantwist.blogspot.com, we’re going to jump right into one of many topics that have inspired us to dedicate an entire day every week to the tacky shit that people do… ((we even have a tacky soundtrack to go along with it, so don't be shy.. press play!))



This edition of Tacky Tuesdays is dedicated to all of cheap ass party-goers who go to the club or the bar, usually asking for ‘strong’ drinks.. that habitually-time and time again- DO NOT TIP THEIR BARTENDER. Let me just take a moment to say- YOU CHEAP MUTHAFUCKAS!

For those of you unfamiliar with proper Bar Etiquette.. that is a big NO-NO.

If you have never worked in the service industry, where your tips make the majority of your pay.. then some of the following concepts may be alien to you.. BUT if you have worked in this industry.. then you will fully appreciate what is to come….(( No worries.. you can thank me later.))

Poppin’ bottles, pourin’ it on models, falling in love with bartenders, buying out the bar.. these are all nightlife concepts, turned trends by the ever growing popularity of modern hip-hop music… often, fueled by the shallow-mindedness of the need for excess-at-all-costs—even if it means the last dollar in your pocket to prove that you are ‘baller’ or a ‘diva’.

If you are one of those partygoers, who actually can afford the overpriced bottles, and the over-priced shots of Patron, etc. etc., and in turn, follow proper customer-code by tipping the bartender.. this does not apply to you.. HOWEVER..

LADIES!!!!... GENTLEMAN!!!

Here are a few tips for you, from your resident bartender

First of all-- there is nothing cool about spending your rent money or the child support you just got from your baby-daddy, or the money that SHOULD be going to child support-- at the club.

You see, once you get over the hangover that you are bound to wake up with the next day, roll over the stranger laying next to you, and come back to reality—your rent is still gonna be due, your baby is still gonna need some diapers, and all that frontin’ you were doing last nite.. is going to come back to haunt you, like a crazy stalker. So…

Tip #1 --> Not everyone can be a baller, so if your funds are small.. stop pretending to be a big spender.. Stick to the $10 drinks at the bar, (AND…shhhh!! BUT …if you throw in a couple bucks to the bartender.. you’ll likely get a better buzz for that $10).

Tip #2 --> Don’t complain to the bartender about the drinks being $10 (or whatever they cost). It’s pretty much common sense, to know that the bartenders don’t make the prices, therefore wasting your servers’ time, complaining about the price, is only further leading you to the need for the Tip #3.

It’s still a recession folks, so there is no shame in being fairly responsible with the little money you do have… but if you don’t have ANY money at all.. you really should reconsider being in a club or in the bar at all. Don’t be the lame asshole at the bar, slowly sipping on the melted ice left at the bottom of your cup, waiting for someone to buy you your next drink or begging the bartender (whom you haven’t even tipped $1 all nite) for a hook-up. It’s really not a good look.

Tip #3 --> If you can’t afford to drink at the bar (and tip) … then DON’T! Go to the liquor store, buy the discount $15 liter bottle of cheap vodka and STAY YOUR BROKE ASS HOME.

The next tip, doesn’t apply to those with the lighter pockets in the club, but tip is directed at the even bigger atrocity – which is the customer who insists on finding ways to flash their stack of cash all nite, but who STILL neglects to leave a measly tip for their bartender or waitress. IT JUST SCREAMS CHEAP!!!! I know.. it sounds crazy that someone with so much money in their pocket, would be so cheap as to not even leave a couple bucks for their server, even tho they gladly spent a couple hundred dollars on a bottle of champagne and demanded ‘VIP’ treatment.. but unfortunately.. these slime balls do exist.

Tip #4 --> Just because you are sitting in an area allocated as “V.I.P”, doesn’t mean you are really that important. Sorry. It just means, you paid the right price. So, for the next few hours that you spend convincing yourself you are a somebody—don’t worry.. YOU ARE! However—unless you own the spot, the common rule of TIPPING YOUR SERVER still applies.

And finally, of the many tips in proper nightlife etiquette that I could continue to offer you, I leave you with Tip #5. This goes out to all the women, and young lady party-goers and bar hoppers…

Tip #5 --> Just because you and the bartender both have titties, doesn’t mean you don’t have to tip. Cheap isn’t a good look on anyone, even if you have a nice smile and fat ass. Sorry boo.

So in conclusion.. the general lesson to be learned on this Tacky Tuesday is that, it is in fact, quite tacky to go to any restaurant, bar , or club and expect quality service from your server, whether it be a waitress, waiter or bartender—and not have the decency to leave a lil’ tip as a token of your appreciation. Afterall, we aren’t behind this counter for fun.. we are back here trying to make a living.. and if you take care of your bartender—your bartender WILL take care of you.

Happy Partying’!

P.S.- One more thing folks, for those of you that continue to ask for your Long Island Iced Teas to be made “STRONG”---> **NEWSFLASH** asshole --> A Long Island Iced Tea is 95-98% liquor.. mixed drinks don’t get any stronger.

Miserable Mondays Presents.... Your Weekly WHORE-O-SCOPES

Welcome to the first installment of the weekly Whore-O-Scopes.

I am the dude giving you your weekly insight and I go by the name of *air horn* Mr. Crystal Balls.


Without further delay let’s see how fucked up your week is going to be.

Aries:

Private Life: Yeah, you better not mess with that man/woman you have your eyes on. You’ll crash harder than Tiger and John Edwards.

Money and Work: Your boss is onto your 5 minute masturbation breaks in the bathroom so be sure to clean the toilet seat when you’re done.

State of Mind: It’s not confusion. You’re high.

Karma Number: 7 (how many times you will probably get flipped the bird this week)

Finances: Pay your bills

Taurus:

Private Life: You will have a very private week.....because that dancing naked on the pole stunt last weekend cost you pretty much all of your friends.

Money and Work: Do your research on the unemployment system this week.

State of Mind: It’s not all good. (denial is a disease)

Karma Number: 0 (yeah, you’re screwed)

Finances: Poppin bottles or paying bills....you decide. (and you are probably gonna pop bottles.....dumb ass)

Cancer:

Private Life: None. You will not be able to find a babysitter.

Money and Work: Yes your boss knows you come in a half an hour late everyday.

State of Mind: Stop worrying about things. They are too fucked up for you to fix now.

Karma Number: 45 (the number of minutes you will be late tomorrow)

Finances: Steady.....because you’re broke


Leo:

Private Life: You have a promising outlook later this week. The strip club will be packed!

Money and Work: Female-Keep that booty poppin and the dollars will drop. Male-Try your best to get a discount on a lap dance this week

State of Mind: I don’t give a fuck

Karma Number: 3 (number of STD’s hovering around you at any given moment)

Finances: It’s the first of the month. Your EBT card gets a re-up!

Virgo:

Private Life: You will be the center of attention. (drinking and dancing don’t mix.)

Money and Work: N/A as you are unemployed

State of Mind: You feel ugly this week. There is a reason you do.

Karma Number: 14 (number of times you will ponder getting a job this week)

Finances: This is a good week to hit your momma up for money.....unless she too is a Virgo

Libra:

Private Life: Haters will surround you this week. (literally protect your face)

Money and Work: You will be forced to make a great decision this week. (overtime or anniversary.....there is always next year)

State of Mind: Oh shit!

Karma Number: 10 (consecutive days you will be without sex because you missed the anniversary)

Finances: Well you worked overtime....now you use that money to by “I’m Sorry” gifts.

Scorpio:

Private Life: You will have a bunch of new friends. (since you did put a semi nude picture of yourself up on that social network)

Money and Work: Prepare for several private meetings and functions. (As most of your coworkers are on the same social network as you)

State of Mind: Am I/Is she pregnant?

Karma Number: 11 (number of pregnancy tests purchased this week.

Finances: Can you afford another child....we both know the answer to that one.

Sagittarius:

Private Life: Slurred speech makes your retarded remarks even worse. (refrain from talking this week)

Money and Work: HR will be seeing a lot of you this week

State of Mind: Hi my name is ________ and I am an alcoholic *hiccup*

Karma Number: ? (how many days you can actually recall)

Finances: The local liquor store will never go out of business as long as you’re around.

Capricorn:

Private Life: It’s all about you this week.

Money and Work: The layoffs that are coming are all about you.

State of Mind: Why me?

Karma Number: 22 (average number of people who ignore you. *see Finances)

Finances: The bill collectors will not be ignoring you.

Aquarius:

Private Life: Looks like you will actually have a good week. (unless you decide to fuck it up)

Money and Work: Nobody saw you piss in your boss’s coffee stop worrying.

State of Mind: Same shit different day.

Karma Number: 1 (number of times you will get fucked over this week....pretty low huh?)

Finances: There is even enough to go out this weekend.

Pisces:

Private Life: That secret from last year’s Christmas party is about to come to the surface (with pictures)

Money and Work: The Christmas party pictures .....need I say more.

State of Mind: I knew I shouldn’t have done it.

Karma Number: 15 (number of different emails the office will pass around concerning your picture.

Finances: Don’t worry about them....those pictures are so much more important.