Welcome to the first installment of the weekly Whore-O-Scopes.
I am the dude giving you your weekly insight and I go by the name of *air horn* Mr. Crystal Balls.
Without further delay let’s see how fucked up your week is going to be.
Aries:
Private Life: Yeah, you better not mess with that man/woman you have your eyes on. You’ll crash harder than Tiger and John Edwards.
Money and Work: Your boss is onto your 5 minute masturbation breaks in the bathroom so be sure to clean the toilet seat when you’re done.
State of Mind: It’s not confusion. You’re high.
Karma Number: 7 (how many times you will probably get flipped the bird this week)
Finances: Pay your bills
Taurus:
Private Life: You will have a very private week.....because that dancing naked on the pole stunt last weekend cost you pretty much all of your friends.
Money and Work: Do your research on the unemployment system this week.
State of Mind: It’s not all good. (denial is a disease)
Karma Number: 0 (yeah, you’re screwed)
Finances: Poppin bottles or paying bills....you decide. (and you are probably gonna pop bottles.....dumb ass)
Cancer:
Private Life: None. You will not be able to find a babysitter.
Money and Work: Yes your boss knows you come in a half an hour late everyday.
State of Mind: Stop worrying about things. They are too fucked up for you to fix now.
Karma Number: 45 (the number of minutes you will be late tomorrow)
Finances: Steady.....because you’re broke
Leo:
Private Life: You have a promising outlook later this week. The strip club will be packed!
Money and Work: Female-Keep that booty poppin and the dollars will drop. Male-Try your best to get a discount on a lap dance this week
State of Mind: I don’t give a fuck
Karma Number: 3 (number of STD’s hovering around you at any given moment)
Finances: It’s the first of the month. Your EBT card gets a re-up!
Virgo:
Private Life: You will be the center of attention. (drinking and dancing don’t mix.)
Money and Work: N/A as you are unemployed
State of Mind: You feel ugly this week. There is a reason you do.
Karma Number: 14 (number of times you will ponder getting a job this week)
Finances: This is a good week to hit your momma up for money.....unless she too is a Virgo
Libra:
Private Life: Haters will surround you this week. (literally protect your face)
Money and Work: You will be forced to make a great decision this week. (overtime or anniversary.....there is always next year)
State of Mind: Oh shit!
Karma Number: 10 (consecutive days you will be without sex because you missed the anniversary)
Finances: Well you worked overtime....now you use that money to by “I’m Sorry” gifts.
Scorpio:
Private Life: You will have a bunch of new friends. (since you did put a semi nude picture of yourself up on that social network)
Money and Work: Prepare for several private meetings and functions. (As most of your coworkers are on the same social network as you)
State of Mind: Am I/Is she pregnant?
Karma Number: 11 (number of pregnancy tests purchased this week.
Finances: Can you afford another child....we both know the answer to that one.
Sagittarius:
Private Life: Slurred speech makes your retarded remarks even worse. (refrain from talking this week)
Money and Work: HR will be seeing a lot of you this week
State of Mind: Hi my name is ________ and I am an alcoholic *hiccup*
Karma Number: ? (how many days you can actually recall)
Finances: The local liquor store will never go out of business as long as you’re around.
Capricorn:
Private Life: It’s all about you this week.
Money and Work: The layoffs that are coming are all about you.
State of Mind: Why me?
Karma Number: 22 (average number of people who ignore you. *see Finances)
Finances: The bill collectors will not be ignoring you.
Aquarius:
Private Life: Looks like you will actually have a good week. (unless you decide to fuck it up)
Money and Work: Nobody saw you piss in your boss’s coffee stop worrying.
State of Mind: Same shit different day.
Karma Number: 1 (number of times you will get fucked over this week....pretty low huh?)
Finances: There is even enough to go out this weekend.
Pisces:
Private Life: That secret from last year’s Christmas party is about to come to the surface (with pictures)
Money and Work: The Christmas party pictures .....need I say more.
State of Mind: I knew I shouldn’t have done it.
Karma Number: 15 (number of different emails the office will pass around concerning your picture.
Finances: Don’t worry about them....those pictures are so much more important.
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