Here we go again! It’s me you’re ultra-mystic unfortunate caregiver Mr. Crystalballs. I am here once again to give your troubled forecast for the week. Without further adieu, grant me your ADD attention and we shall begin.....
Private Life: Everyone knows you do not wash your hands after bathroom breaks. Do not take the refusal of handshakes too hard.
Money and Work: You are the idiot that took the Colts in the Superbowl thinking it was a safe bet. Next 3 pay checks are down the shitter.
State of Mind: D’oh!
Karma Number: 3 (total number of times you will hit up friends and family for money....successfully)
Finances: Gambling is a problem. Get some help.
Private Life: 4 words: De-o-dor-ant
Money and Work: Remember that chain letter you sent out last week....it had a virus. The IT department will trace it back to you. Want ads will be your friend.
State of Mind: I hope they don’t notice me.....
Karma Number: 50 (number of dollars you will lose at a party this week.
Finances: Coming up $50 short on your rent will not be a good look.
Private Life: You know that old saying, “I was laughing with you not at you.” Well it does not apply to you this week. They are laughing at you.
Money and Work: You’re lucky this week. You will only receive probation for taking McDonald’s home without paying for it.
State of Mind: Not again.
Karma Number: 1 (number of days it will take for you to screw up that probation)
Finances: Get ready to crack that piggy bank......it may not be worth it because it will cost more to replace the piggy bank.
Private Life: They are many opportunities for your love life this week. (see Money and Work)
Money and Work: A promotion is in your future. How bad do you want it? (See Private Life)
State of Mind: I hope this washes out of my jacket.
Karma Number: 17 (number of times you will regret the one on one with your boss)
Finances: Well...you did get the raise.
Private Life: They know it’s you in the bushes.....though stalking is a very sincere form of love and a serious offense.
Money and Work: Lunches are 30 minutes not an hour. You’ve been warned.
State of Mind: They will never fire me. (not a good state of mind because you’re really not that important.)
Karma Number: 30 (number of minutes you will go over your lunch which will ultimately lead to an untimely dismissal from work.)
Finances: None existent.
Private Life: Don’t hang your head about it. We all have to fart at one time or another......your time just happens to be the wrong time.
Money and Work: This is going to be a good week. You will finally get that money that is owed to you by a family member.
State of Mind: I need to check for stains.
Karma Number: 23 (number of people around you when you release your toxic gasses)
Finances: That extra money will come in handy. The other family member you owe will be asking for their money.
Private Life: Depression is never good. There are people who are worse off.....not that many people though.
Money and Work: Work is steady and your boss is actually impressed with your work. You never mess up the coffee run.
State of Mind: Noose or bullet?
Karma Number: 13 (number of times bums will hit you up for money this week)
Finances: It’s either give the bum money or you eat lunch. There is no wiggle room.
Private Life: Go ahead and take that trip. You deserve it. (See Finances)
Money and Work: You know that one person nobody likes at work....guess who it is!
State of Mind: Huh?
Karma Number: 4 (number of times you will be asked by a co-worker to go into the parking lot.)
Finances: You finally have enough to take in Alaska!
Private Life: Live life to the fullest!
Money and Work: As one of the unemployed you have lots of time.
State of Mind: Where is my unemployment check?
Karma Number: 3 (number of days it will take for you to realize your check is late.)
Finances: Minimal
Private Life: Hell in a hand basket!
Money and Work: They have cameras around the money when you are counting. Keep that in mind.
State of Mind: I have come up with the perfect crime.
Karma Number: 1 (number of times you will try to take money out of the cash till before you are caught)
Finances: You will actually have to forfeit your next pay check in order to keep your job.
Private Life: This will be a good week. You picked the Saints to win the Superbowl and your boss now owes you money.
Money and Work: Your boss is the king of excuses (see Finances)
State of Mind: Today was a good day.....
Karma Number: 32 (number of times your boss will avoid you before you get the hint.)
Finances: Your boss is not coming up off of that owed money.
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